"Oh, the curse I'm putting on you? It's really quite simple: you must live your life as though the things everyone says about you were true."
“He writes like a poet,” she says, swirling her wine glass.
“Oh?” he says, boredom undersaying, ‘tell me more’.
“He makes words mean things they don’t. Words should just mean what they mean, and no more.”
He can’t name one thing that doesn’t get better by ending.
The god does not cry. But for a moment, as he stares at you, it seems as though crying is the thing the god misses most about being human. Even more than sex.
“Of course I invested all your money in toxic futures; what other kind of future is there?”
It’s so quiet at work these days; you would think zombies would need to buy iphones too.
For sale: one straightjacket, never worn.
"The hardest part of writing?" He chuckled. "That is quite simple: the most difficult thing, above all else, is to look at the world around you and avoid writing a satire."
Telemarketers: the only class of people we can scream abuse at over the phone and not feel bad after having done so.
A woman who finds everything in her handbag on the first try; no one notices the small magics these days.
I tried to love you but it hurt too much to stay.
He said: This is my body, this is my blood.
We're still working out which one we can smoke.
A cheap invisibility cloak: a homeless person's clothing, not bathing for two weeks, eyes too beaten down to beg.
For sale: one forest, trees not included.
Discuss the concept that 'The Flinstones' is Creationist propaganda.
My proposed taxation method: all families should just mail in their firstborn child every 5-10 years.
Every year, the employees at Burger King pick one woman to be the Burger Queen. She is never seen again
Don't read this status update. Thank you for your cooperation.
Beware! Fat-free food produces fat-free dreams.
"I'm afraid the accident didn't damage your brain at all. You really are just that stupid."
The newest executive desk toy: a crystal ball showing just how far staff will go for a promotion. To say nothing of a parking space.
the moon blurs under tears
but remains no easier
to touch
Most vending machines eat change; the one beside my apartment eats hope. There is always a line-up for it.
"Maybe that's the only truth," she says, half in jest. "It's not that this -- what we're doing --" a wave of her hand compasses the room, the whole world, "doesn't make sense, it's that nothing does, not now and not ever."
Cats may look upon kings, but only dogs get to sniff their butts.
Proposed Clive Cussler novel: 'Dirk Pitt and the mystery of the Pitless Cherries'
A used car dealership. the owner's eyes the colour of rusted hubcaps. His smile peels layers of paint from your soul.
The coffee shop has two tip jars, labelled 'heaven' and 'hell'. We have stacked a pile of pennies between them for purgatory. The stack seems, at times, too high.
Today's Unfact: every Subway shop put inside a real subway station closes within two years.
Cheap Budget Truck Rental is not a scam, but they only rent out the Flinstone's vehicle.
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