"I
wanted to be a teacher when I was younger. Then I remembered what
kind of student I'd been; there's no way I was going to teach kids
like that."
What
follows is a public service announcement:
The internet is not your diary.
The internet is not your diary.
That
is all.
In
order to see who REALLY reads the newspaper, the editor removed the
comics section to watch how many subscriptions got cancelled.
"Happiness
is just a lie we tell ourselves," he said pompously.
I
snorted. "What isn't?"
And
to that he had no reply at all.
His
voice was a like a saw grating through bone every time he said: "Have
a nice day."
Why
Wal-Mart kept him as a greeter remained a secret.
Her
silence was an emptiness waiting for you to fill it.
"Certain
things only work to the extent that they are not questioned:
religion, relationships, often families. The moment you start asking
questions is when they fall apart."
"I
just asked if I could borrow a cup of sugar."
"Even
so."
"Look,
if you didn't have a cup, you could have just said....."
I
wondered why superhero movies felt the need to retell their origin
story over and over, and then recalled that's what religions do as
well.
Fact of the Day: Even if you you
realize you have gravy left over in your fridge, smothering both hash
browns and an omelette in it is not always going to work.
The
chicken's claim to have crossed the road 'to get to the other side'
fell apart under Colonel Saunders cross-examination, which included
waterboarding along with 11 secret herbs and spices.
"I'm
not scared of monsters," the boy said proudly. "My
dad is an accountant and he says auditing is the best form of
exorcism."
"Why
were you late for work?"
"I can only take the buses which advertise companies I don't find immoral."
"I can only take the buses which advertise companies I don't find immoral."
To
be without sin, one must live one's life as though one is being
recorded at all times.
"The
murderer arranged the corpses in a stylized letter M and painted them
yellow," the Detective told the press. "We believe he's
seeking sponsorships."
I
prepared a list of questions to ask the job interviewer, including:
Is this where you saw your life going five years ago?
I
have a theory that the universe is really 16 billion years old and
the start of everything being so confusing and difficult to map is
the universe trying to shave off a billion or so years from the
driver's licence.
Whether
the narrative was subject to the law was a question that kept the
Detective up late many nights.
The
measure of how much character a home has:
Is it
haunted or not?
"I
have no desire for competition. " The vampire smiled. "Why
do you think none other like me exist?"
"The
flaw in your plan was assuming that their was any flaw at all. You
really must give yourself more credit."
We
give our hearts to others to break all the time. I don't think there
is a single heart that comes with a warranty any more; we break them
so very easily.
What
the words needs is a zombie story involving cremated remains as
zombies. Zombie ash, infecting the world, clogging everything.
It
could, in the right hands, even be a metaphor for pollution.
(I
may have overstated things using 'needs'.)
Fun
things to suggest at work:
That
if someone has nothing to do, they can recite pi backwards.
It
was a very close vote, but in the end the town council determined
that playing the bagpipes did not count as domestic terrorism.
A
proposed hobby: Adding 'autographed by author' signs to bibles in
bookstores.
The
reason for the divorce turned out to be quite simple: upon first
seeing his newborn son, Raymond scratched him under the chin and
cooed: "Oh, what a cute little monster you are."
"If
your hatred does not define you, then what is the point of it?"
No
one expected the wrinkle-be-more cream to sell, but it did – if
only out of spite for every woman's magazine on the racks.
My
form of terrorism is simple: I like to strike up conversations with
random strangers on a bus just for their reaction.
Creationists
are secretly used-car salesmen. "4.5 billion years old? Nah,
only 600 years on this here puppy. Works like a charm."
A
further hobby: Adding 'Free picture of the Prophet with every
purchase!' stickers to Qurans in bookstores as well.
"Every
exclamation mark use you use pushes the Literature Doomsday Clock
closer to the end."
He
became a superhero because no one had heard of a supervillain named
Bob.
This
was not included in his official biography.
You
know, writing a sex scene as if describing a chess match would be
pretty fun.
"Check
.... " "Check." "King me!"
"Well, that didn't go well."
"My pawn moved two spaces. I said I was sorry."
"Duty
before gods, before love, before honour. There is no other way to
live."
Poor
names for children's toys:
1)
Helter Skelter
2)
Youth In Asia: the board game for the whole family!
3)
Monopoly: Whitechapel Edition
'After
being scared by vampires one too many times, precautions are taken'
Cut
to an image of a stake, a cross, a bottle labelled H. Water, and a
box of Depends diapers.
Depends:
for dependable results when slaying vampires.
What
if grocery stores carried cloned body parts?
They
dug up the graveyards and buried their dead in concrete a mile
underground – if there was going to be a zombie uprising, they
reasoned, the least they could do is reduce the numbers.
And
after that moment, he was so happy that he never laughed again.
Ways
to begin a day:
You
waken the next morning to your alarm going off, feeling as if the
flu-fairy decided to run you over with a cement truck.
Proposed
essay: Stempink: an essay on sex and sexualization in steampunk.
(aka
I typed steampunk as steampink and wondered 'what if'..')
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