I’m not dead enough when my
ex-girlfriend breaks into my apartment. Dead asleep, I mean, though
not for want of trying. The only reason I hear the door give is
because it’s finally quiet: the screaming from the asshole up in
402 had stopped yesterday, and I’m almost sure it’s my fault that
the screams were replaced with sirens this morning. I self-medicated
that thought with the last of the booze above the fridge, ignored the
landlord screaming about rent somewhere in all that. But Kelly
breaking the door in with her shoulder wakes me from my tangle of
filthy sheets and clothing in the middle of the floor.
I figured someone would come eventually
once bills stopped being paid and I didn’t show up for work. I’m
not sure what to make of the fact that it took almost a week, trying
to put it all together in my head when she stares down at me as if
she’s never seen me before, with something that is at least one
part pity to two parts shock. Throw in disgust and horror and you
have the cocktail of my life for the last few days.
I don’t want to kill her, but I’m
not sure I can stop myself.
“Lucas?” she says, sounding as if
she wasn’t certain.
I wanted to say: it’s
only been a week. Or ask: am I that far gone?
but all that comes out is: “Go away, Kells.”
Everyone else calls her Kelly. That
pulls her into the room. It’s a cheap bachelor deal: room for a
double bed, couch, tv on a dresser, bathroom and the microwave stand
it advertised as a ‘kitchen’ taking up a whole wall. It wasn’t
pretty when I moved in, but right now it’s all discarded garbage,
ruined clothing and a weeks worth of BO making some death metal music
jam of smells.
Kelly doesn’t even try for her
retail-mask of a smile, just crouches down without coming closer like
I’m some homeless man in a back alley she’s half-scared of
catching rabies from. “Lucas.” She pauses, then: “Eric called
me when you missed the match at his place last night. You don’t
miss the match for anything.”
Not even your birthday,
I almost say, catch myself. Even this far gone I can do that much. It
had been our first big fight since we’d moved in together last
year, before everything fell apart between us. She’s staring at me,
waiting, and I fumble toward words. “I’m fine. Go away.”
“Fine.” She
lets out a short bark and stands, gesturing to compass the room
sharply with both hands; her voice is calm, her anger in movement
like it always is. “Show me how this is fine.”
I look
around, half against my will. It’s been almost a week. I haven’t
done dishes. Bathed. Laundry. I’ve done nothing but finish the last
of the food, drink, and sleep. I’ve been terrified to watch TV,
piss-pants scared to go outside. I don’t know why that led to
letting the apartment fall apart. I stand on my second try, the bed
not wanting to let go of me, move into the bathroom. There is black
mold all over the ceiling; I could have sworn it wasn’t there last
week.
“I
wanted my outside to mirror the inside.” I don’t know if Kelly
hears me, or even if I speak out loud. I splash water into my face,
run some through my hair, remember
working in a McDonalds years back: my hair feels like the grease
trap. Has it been just one week? I don’t know. I’m scared to ask.
She hasn’t called the police yet, or even Eric. He and I’ve been
friends for over ten years and always watched the football matches
together – insisting on calling it that and not soccer – and
there had been a big match coming up. I’m sure of that, even if I
can’t quite recall what.
I turn
on the bathtub and dunk my head under ice water until the cold
punishes me awake, stagger up, shake it off and go back into the room
proper. Kelly is close to the door. She hasn’t bolted but her cell
phone is in her right hand like a talisman. I don’t think she
trusts me right now. Only fair. I don’t either. There
is a buzzing behind my eyes, between them. I shudder from it, take a
breath, manage another without coughing.
“You have a cig?
I ran out four days ago.” For some reason, this seems important.
“You haven’t
been out for cigarettes.” Her words are careful. Measured. “Why?”
she says then. To that. To everything.
“I’m scared,”
I say, to the everything, and it is terribly easy to say.
“All
right. I called a cab; they’ll take us to the hospital, you can be
checked out. I have an aunt who snapped once: she collected glass
butterflies and one day she just broke them all and my uncle came
come to find her eating them. She had a vacation, took a couple of
drugs for a few weeks and was fine after that. No
one is okay all the time.”
“No shrinks. I’m
not –.”
“Lucas.
You missed the game,”
she says, and the edge under that catches me like a fish, shakes me
all over.
“I don’t know
what’s happening to me.”
“That’s
what hospitals are for. Come on,” she says, and I take one step.
Another. The first step is hard, the ones after it easier. I make it
to the hallway, follow her down the stairs. I smell ripe, sour and
overdone but she doesn’t say a word in protest. Part of me goes:
you were never worthy of her,
but I shove it aside and follow her out into the dark.
It’s
raining a little as we get outside and I let the rain hit me, pretend
it can wash away anything that matters. I want to say: “Look,
Kells, I’m not crazy,” but I have this suspicion only crazy
people say that. The cab is checkered yellow and black and I follow
Kelly into it, taking the other back seat. I’m
trying not to look at the driver, trying not to see the world outside
the windows. I’m a good driver, so I hate bad drivers, and the last
– the really last thing I need – is road rage. Because my head is
hurting, and it would stop hurting after that, and I can do right now
is try not to think about Kelly, tell myself I don’t hate her at
all, that I never did, that she was right to leave me.
It’s easier to
think that, right now. “I’m not crazy.” This time I know I say
it aloud because she turns to me. “It would be easier if I was.”
It sounds silly,
like a bad movie line, but she doesn’t laugh. “Eric said he went
in to see you at work, about some records you’d put aside for him
to buy, and they told him you hadn’t been in all week. They’d
left messages. He figured it on the flu, until you never called to
cancel out of seeing the match. He had to go into work, catering some
party, or he’d have come. He called me instead.”
“Oh.”
I don’t know what to say, so I say that. The cab ride is fast, the
streets near-empty. It’s late, painfully so, but Kelly doesn’t
push me. I’d probably cry at that, if I wasn’t a guy. I just sit,
and wait, and she peels off worn bills for the cab driver as I
realize I don’t even know where my wallet is at all only to find it
my front pocket of my jeans when I always keep it in the back. The
hospital is all pale lights, the kind that make everyone into zombies
– or the doughy kind, in my case – and the nurse who asks
questions doesn’t care and can’t care or she’d break.
The nurse says it
will be a few hours, directs me to a cheap plastic seat, the kind
even McDonalds no longer uses. I sit. I tell Kelly she should go. It
will be a while, she has a shift in the morning – I think? – and
she says she does. I try to push without anger, without being me, and
she listens, fights back a yawn she doesn't want to give voice to. I
pull out what money is left in my wallet, shove it to her for a cab
home, insist she go. She leaves when I thank her. I’ve never been
good at thanking anyone. I don’t know if that does it. I don’t
know if she catches that I don’t want her to be around me, even if
not why. I’m trying not to think about how she left. Trying to
ignore the feeling behind the eyes, what happens after it gets out of
me.
I
don’t know what she catches in my voice, in my movements, in me.
Maybe she’s just glad for the excuse, since it’s been almost a
year. Nine months, about ten days, maybe twelve. I can remember how
long it’s been since we broke up, but I can’t recall what day our
anniversary was on. It’s
almost a relief when the nurse comes and tells me to follow her past
a room that smells of dead chemicals.
oh my goodness, now you've got a 'Kell' too? name-thief!!!
ReplyDeleteBwahahahahaha
AHAHAHAHAHHA!
DeleteOh, that is too good. I never even noticed/considered that at all. I went with Kelly for reasons of the name being both common and unisexual :)
Yeah, it is a good unisex name... I think my use of Kell came across because I had just watched the movie 'Secret of Kells' on Netflix :p
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