Saturday, July 04, 2015

Facebook status updates part XXXVI (June 2015)

 “I’m afraid that being very good at solving riddles is not the kind of marketable skill we were expecting on your resume.”

Do you know what the smile on your keyboard means?”
It’s for using emoji. I don’t use them myself.”
You should. Technology has reached peak emoticon. It is possible now.”
Huh? What is?”
You could release the first novel written entirely in emoji.”

I miss you like I miss the possessive apostrophe.”

I keep whispering your name, three times into each mirror I pass, hoping to spot your reflection in even one, hoping to summon you with childhood rhymes because I have been left with nothing else.

Few monsters warrant the fear we have for them. Dentists, on the other hand…”

“You wrote ‘I am tired of giving the world free content.’”
“I did. I am.”
And it didn’t occur to you that maybe my birthday card wasn’t the best place to begin writing down your damn manifesto?”

Due to drought conditions, we have decided to examine the efficacy of watering lawns with pain. Tears are, after all, a source of water.”

You stopped the conversation mid-flow, saying I had succeeded my monthly data limit in talking to you. I laughed for a moment but you had never been more serious.

I can’t write love poems about you
Because I buy you a card from Hallmark
Every Valentine’s Day

They keep stealing away your nightmares, trying to turn them into dreams.

Keep talking. You are only two sentences away from being the villain in my next story.”

You don’t understand: I don’t want to be with you. I want to be you.”

Loving me was many things, but not a victimless crime.

Why is it that we seem to hurt each other the most just when we’re finally not trying to hurt each other at all?

You can’t solve all your problems by hitting the snooze button on your alarm clock.”

If cats really have nine lives, why do we continue to do animal experiments on mice?

It was when Joe began to post only memes as status updates on Facebook that Marty realized the aliens had taken over him as well.

They sell so many mouse traps in stores, and only you know why.
Every night you dream about them, terrified. Your shrink says: "You are just afraid of mice", says: "it's just projecting" but you know what really goes on, who they really are. And, some day, you plan to bring their Magic Kingdom tumbling down...

American Horror Story:
Ban a flag, keep the guns.

Another Horror Story:
Every single fact you read on the Internet is correct.”

They keep saying that they love you, as if you both know what love is. As if words have only one meaning, as though forests contained only one kind of tree.

“I didn’t write that love text for you; I thought you’d post it online and I would get famous.”

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