Saturday, August 01, 2015

Facebook status updates part XXXVII (July 2015)

If fimbulwinter is what precedes Ragnarok then perhaps more greenhouses gasses are a good thing?

“Only small people fear small things.”

Once upon a time, someone told me that madness was doing the same thing over and over, but now I know that isn’t true: madness is doing what you know you shouldn’t do and being desperate enough to do it anyway.

“I found something I shouldn’t have.”
“That is the start of many great stories. And tragedies too, I imagine.” Kes chuckled, the sound soft and bubbly.

“I think you trust autocorrect more than you trust me.”

You are my control, my alt, even my delete key.

Some days the parking lot cried over how empty it was at night. No one noticed, even if there were more cracks in the asphalt to be fixed than the city had budgeted for.

Joe replaced his personality with a series of tattoos.

Reasons I could never be vegan: having to tell everyone I meet that I was a vegan would take up too much time.

“I’m sorry, but we can’t hire you. You only have 1 star reviews on AmazonLife.”

He started the interview process for all potential hires by introducing them to his assistant, a red sockpuppet named Sparkie that conducted the first half of the interview.

They said it was cultural appropriation when the older generation began to mimic their slang in a post-emoji world.

You asked how I survived, but I was wearing armour rather than armor, and the extra letter was all the kevlar I needed.

“They say that X marks the spot but won’t tell you Y.”

I kept trying to find a way to tell you, unable to finds words in our own tongue. No matter that our tongues were not strangers, that we were often so close as to be one. But I had deleted your Twitter account by accident, and could not bring myself to share so deep a truth.
So I understand, I think, why you never told me about your affair.

I have to hide my poetry in prose, or they will never take me seriously at all!”
You’re writing a technical manual on how to use a digital camera. You can’t expect to win a Pulitzer with that, not even if you hide an epic poem in it.”
You never know. You never know. I’d settle for the Carnegie Medal.”

I opened the door of my closet a crack, just to see if you were waiting on the other side.

When we said that the community was going to be mixed-use, we meant that poor people were not going to be part of that mix.”

I was tired of never getting caught,” was all the bank robber said in his interview despite the press demanding to know how he had been given a four million dollar golden handshake despite seeing the banks profits plunge by 45% during his tenure as CEO.

I filled the silence with pregnant pauses and dangling ellipses

“I think I am in love with just how much I hate you.”

“Yes, I do know you can, ah, transform into bacon, ham, and sausage, but I am afraid that it is NOT a superpower, Mr. Pig”

“Ah, the teapot you gave me has no handles on it. I was wondering why?”
“Didn’t you read the script on on the bottom?”
“No, I –.Truth? You named a teapot?”
“You can’t handle the truth!”
“… I think I am about to throw it at your head.”

Sometimes life just throws the most awful sucker-punches right at us. And the only thing we can do is find a way to get back up, even if sometimes we don't see why we spend the effort...

If you could be one button on a microwave, which button would you be?

I don’t know love could be counterfeited until I met you.

Did you know that nothing is ever counterfeited because! you can’t fake something without knowing the true thing too :D

Proposed yoga pose: frowning cactus.

“Will you be my frenemy?”
“That’s not how most people ask someone out for a date.”
“I’m just trying to be honest about how it may end.”

Clinging to fading glories as though they were morning ones, we plant seeds in the ground as if a garden might sprout. We talk about wonders with voices choked raw with nostalgia and we forget our great dream was another’s nightmare, or how many steps backward we took for every one we staggered forward. We keep pretending we have so much to offer as though the future ever needed us at all.

Imagine if your life was really divided into chapters. All the ways in which you’d dread the cliffhangers.

“I am so scared of how much I need you.”
“You’ve never said that to me before.”
“Sorry. I was talking to my frappuccino.”

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