Tuesday, May 01, 2012

facebook & google+ status updates part XI


The secret language of flus is to speak to each other via our coughs.

A proposed novel:
When Real Things Happen To Real People: Survival Show Contestants After the Limelight.
Subtitled: A Study in Suicide and Depression.

"Love is an artificial sweetener." He pushed a beer across the counter. "It makes sense after the second drink."

I admit to a lack of skepticism regarding my own skepticm at times, but I prefer that to the undervaluing of human achievement inherent in any hypothesis involving the following three words: 'aliens did it'.

Diet Blood – for the vampire with high blood pressure.

"Where's my free toy?" the werewolf said.
"That's only for happy meals – you don't get one for eating staff."

This is a six word story.

Proposed book:
The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicaramilk Mind

The street contained one townhome with a different trim than all the others. Over time the others slowly moved inward, to crush and to consume.

Everyone thought Soul Mart was a joke until politicians queued outside the front door, faces naked with ugly hope.

"I'm sorry," I said to the judge. "I really am." I'd read somewhere that saying you're sorry, no matter if you are, helps reduce your sentence. "It's just that I wanted the article about me on wikipedia to be more than a stub. That's why I did those terrible, awful things."

The dead giggle, whispering porn star lies to the medium who struggles not to laugh as grieving widows wait for messages from beyond, fistfuls of cash trembling in believing hands.

He staggers, seeming drunk, a reality of avoiding cracks in sidewalks passing others by unnoticed.

The real shock wasn't the sky raining down angels and demons, it was how small they all were.

From WIP: Garn was the oldest witch in all the world, her cunning matched only by her cruelty.

DadTracker: A TV show based on two men on horseback hunting down those who don't pay child support.
Crazy Dave's weight-loss clinic: lose 20-40 lbs on your first trip! Results guaranteed! Our limb-removal specialists will help you decide what limb you need the least!

Everything we do is about this: trying to remind the gods that we exist.

He smiled. "Everything I know of kindness I learned from dogs."

Sometimes people knew her name, but not often. When asked what she did, she explained to acquaintances that she made videos on the internet which millions of people liked them and received blank looks in reply. Internet-famous, she found, was not the same as other kinds of famous.

Timeshares in Hades! Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!

If it isn't printed on a t-shirt or bumper sticker, it isn't really wisdom.

Nametags on which you can only write your true name, ancient and wonderful.

Every time we kiss I forget my name. What will we have to do so I can forget yours?

Breyman's patented formulaic cold fusion anti-ageing cream:
Watch your flesh just melt away!(tm)
Possible minor side effects may include, but are not limited to, the following: death, looking like Skeletor, thinking Angelina Jolie needs to lose weight, a paranoid desire to find and murder Jenny Craig, or becoming a zombie.

"We're going to remove your wisdom teeth," the dentist says. "Once I have enough, I'll find out why I never was a tooth fairy."

I tried to love you but it hurt too much to stay.

A framed photo hung on the coffee shop wall of the only person to buy one of the paintings they'd had on display for years.

The dead returned to destroy the living: billions of corpses, all collecting unemployment.

There is no such thing as Dark Matter.
There is only paperwork.

He said, "Life is a prison."
She smiled strangely at that. "No, you're thinking of death."

Splash
In spring, dreams – like rain –
slowly dissolve into mud and
but look! a puddle.

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