Facebook & google+ status updates part XVII (Nov – 2012 Jan 2013)

Big Dave's Torture Guide to Knitting with the Small Intenstine: how to make sure your victim doesn't scream too much and make you drop a stitch.

What if the dog wasn’t lazy and simply ate the quick brown fox that tried to jump over it? Not all dogs are lazy. Speciesism is a very sad thing.

His parody of himself was so good that no one ever noticed it at all.

To sleep, an offer —

Fading to unreal colours,

Pillows made of dreams

Dear Santa:

Is this the year daddy finally get some coal?

Dear Santa:

I don't want gifts from you until you get on a diet like me.

- Signed, Anorexia.

Told he was dying from an overdose of irony, all he could do was find it ironic.

Dear Santa:

Could my stepdad not shout as much next year?

My rent cheque for December includes, in the memo section, the following:

'will pay rent next month due to anti-mayan prejudices'

Dear Santa:

Why is this Jesus guy trying to steal your gig?

The true function of analysis is not to kill a thing but to see it as more than it aspired to be.

My resolution for the new year is for you to be a better person to me.

Elevator christmas music: a new way to ensure you open the doors between floors and leap to the bottom

Dear Santa:

Why do you put 'made in China' on gifts? Is this a joke? Or do only the bad-but-not-naughty kids get gifts from china? Is that the new coal?

He says the most profound lie he knows, which is: "It's free."

The day after Xmas party, the Detective was promoted after he slept with his boss's wife. It had not been the reaction he had been expecting.

It became harder to love you once I found out about the bodies. Harder, but not impossible.

"You see," said the magician, "real magic requires ingenuity."

"You billed yourself as a hat and rabbit trick."

"Yes, but how many other magicians can pull a hat from the rabbit?"

The next bestseller:

Harry Potter and 50 Shades of Twilight.

"The bite marks mean one has been bitten by a zombie but the disease didn't take hold. Like how small pox scars were a good thing.

Leastways, that's what I told the wife."

"We all forget more than we remember," the old man whispered. "If we could not forget, there would be no joy in the world."

Imagine what the world might be like if people realized they were supposed to think as well as believe.

Having wisdom is nothing. Printing it on a t-shirt to sell it is everything.

I have only had one secret worth spilling.

Everyone who matters knows it now.

So I must make a new secret, find a new --

Oh. Wait. I have the internet before me.

It will not be hard to find a fetish.

Gods help me, not hard at all.

from WIP:
No one had ever told me there was a hierarchy among monsters. Probably because everyone else figured it was self-evident.

Fun is being able to write the following and have it make perfect sense (in context):
“A dinosaur is not an angel.”

I imagine there is already a rush on to schedule a date for the next apocalypse ... book yours early!

Fall has come to dance
cool wind down hungry city streets

chapstick to burnt-brown lawns

and a false sense of spring

Among the lows of his career, the Detective conceded that arresting Santa's elves in the grotto for cocaine trafficking on the 23^rd of December ranked among the top five.

"The funny thing about you? I mean, one of the really funny ones? The more you speak, the less you actually say."

"A group of frogs is an army of frogs! How could you not think that was important?"

Proof kids ruin everything: the last pair of shoes I bought had very poor stitching.

This is all you need to know about the Chosen One, destined to save the world:

No one has ever told them 'no' in their entire life.

What kind of health inspectors would Hell have?

Things that would be fun: watching just the season finale of a TV series and judging the entire season based on that.

The thing about conspiracy theories is that they are extremely seductive: questioning why one feels compelled to believing in/gravitate towards them as explanations for events is also, in my mind, a very important thing to do.

Loss and pain define us as much as everything else. Most of the truly great magics are borne from our helplessness: the desire to change the world in any way, to do something, to make anything, that matters.

What if the extended forecast for horoscopes was done up like a weather forecast?

Imagine what your life would be like if you couldn't lie to anyone. You'd have to be the most boring person who had ever lived.

From a WIP:

The demon's beauty dials down to more human levels when he laughs; the laugh is everything a laugh should be but seldom is, a wild call from the time before words. "You're going to stop me with a knife?"

Dahvey just shrugs; in his experience, most anything can be hurt by his knife and anyone who says otherwise is just scared of getting cut.

Half a lifetime's belief is shattered a moment later, the demon's smile never wavering at all.

His smile was as empty as a promise.

"I don't write biography," he said coldly. "I find it's not graphical enough."

To love too much is not to love at all.

Every poem I write about you is too long.

Her dream was so small that it was so easy to forget she had one at all.

The only thing we desire from the dead is silence.