Facebook status updates part XXII (July &- October 2013)

"The world would be so much simpler if I could remember how to lie."

"My life is like."

"Is like?"
"Is like, yes."

Dear Santa:

I know it's late, but can you fix mommy's cough?

One of the interesting things about planned missions to mars: you could make them one-way, with people knowing they'd never make it back, and still never lack for volunteers. Which is all kinds of awesome.

"They say that even Lucifer fell, you know. And if the first of the angels fell, what hope have you of not joining him? What hope do any of us have?"

"We have hope. It counts for something."

"Does it? I wonder, I truly do."

"Magic is what lets us escape from the world. What could be more perfect than a trap so pure?"

The sin in altruism is deeper than that which hides in pride.

Ideas in my head that I will never actually write:

An Opera about trying to fund a musical.

I wish I could find some magic,
Just a little to have and hold:
I'd give a little of everything
To not watch you grow old.

And it seems I’ve made a mess
Of things trying to be kind;
I drop shells on a seashore
I wait for you to find.

Canada: Still including Quebec.

"It's always hard to find home again if you're never sure it was home at all. "
.... I am writing too many short stories lately.

I uses to trust you until I realized you were like all the rest. When you sleep you are as weak as everyone else. The strong know how not to dream.

I wonder if the people who send spam emails realize how horrible a vegetarian must feel on opening one?

She smiles at you from every family portrait, though she never did once when she was alive.

[Redacted]

"I used to be a superhero, you know. But the IRS didn't allow me to claim anything for expenses, so here I am. Now please hand over your wallet and I won't have to hurt you."

It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would that he was scared of me. Not when I was scared of me too.

If. So wild a word. So sad a hope.

Random find of the day: someone whose qualifications included 'professional psychedelic'. It took effort to not send a message asking for details on that.

The magician snapped the fingers of his right hand. "Magic, you see, is also about misdirection: while you've been watching me for strings and mirrors, my assistant has been in your office hacking into your computer."

"You made me. Everything that I am, you shaped. I am who I am because of you and if am not to hate myself then how can I hate you?"

My fillings do not have crowns; not because of money, but because I will not support the monarchy.

We are the kind of people no one will write songs about.

What if cats really did have nine lives? Think of how much it would benefit animal testing: there would be mice cheering the world over.

What we desire should terrify others as much as it does us. How can one small world compass our impossible greed?

Despair is finding out what self-help books your guru uses.

I plagiarized so many poets in poems I wrote to you

Trying to feel something that wasn't real at all.

I wrote you a poem.
This is
That poem.

Sometimes I think that you're not real,
Sometimes that I'm not either;
And everything that falls apart
Does so for a reason.

Fun fact #1: there are no fun facts.

Dear brain: It is past midnight. This is not the time to start giving me ideas for short stories.
Thank you, the rest of Josh

He was so tired that he slept through his own death and could not be convinced that the afterlife was more than a poor hallucination.

Fun things to do in a doctors office: add random books to their office shelves.
Twilight and Philosophy: the definitive guide.
Homeopathy & You: medicine with no side-effects to worry abound!

Books for the dentists office --
Truly Alternative Payment Plans: kidnapping nephews in exchange for two free crowns.
Reading Saccharine Love Poetry: a treatise on the potential dangers of cavities.

The magician discovered he could summon anyone in the pentagram by invoking cat videos on YouTube.

"You are a monster!"

"And you think hating me because of that doesn't make you monstrous?" I flashed a grin of sharp teeth. "I may not be able to help what I am; can you?"

"Huh. Lucky."

"No, clever." He smiled tightly. "It's not the same thing at all."

The supervillain enacted Stage 1 of his plan to take over the world by hacking every celebrity twitter feed and starting the mother of all cyberwars.

Things I would do if I had no morals:

Write a self-help book.

Feng Shui II: Feng Harder.

I am making up fake facts for people to claim are true about themselves.

'I own four parrots all named after famous celebrities; I have taught each of them to speak in the voice of their celebrity. ' is the sanest thus far.

This isn't the poem you meant to read.

There are sadder words in English --

Deeper too, that rend and tear,

But: "I used to be a poet"

Holds bleakness all its own.

Your genius is loving me when I don't deserve it.

The Detective's third wife divorced him after he tried to arrest her for eating more calories than her current diet plan had allowed.

"How dare you say that to me?"

"I am dreadfully sorry. You had told me you wanted the truth. I can see how that you were lying when you said that as well."

If we can make it through the failure of our dreams

about ourselves, each other, the world entire –

if we can fall through that but hold together

with fingers, worlds, whispers, promises.

If we can hold together with cracked hearts.

If we can make each other whole

Our dreams won't matter then.

Spoiler alert: we are spoiled for alerts.

On growing up:

there comes a point in every child’s life when they realize that Peter Pan was a monster.

You crossed half a world to tell me
Things Hallmark could instead

I see the Vatican suspended a bishop for insane expenses. They must be livid: imagine the amount of abuse scandals that money could have hushed up.

Bad pick-up line concept: "You are why I don't need feminism."
(Or, "You are why I need feminism." It probably works either way.)

The publisher realized they had a problem when the proof copies of their latest vegan cookbook were leather-bound.

"If I was a dog, you would be my best friend."

My nanowrimo novel is going to include a scene where a creature from outside time and space pesters an elderly couple with relentless logic until they decide to talk to their granddaughter, whom they have shunned for living in sin (aka with a boyfriend and not yet married).
.... this is gonna be a weird novel, even by my standards.

This poem is
Shorter than
It needs to be.

This poem is
Longer than
It needs to be.

Six-word story:

"I loved you, so I forgot."

After the vice principal melted into a puddle of goop, no one ever mocked Jeffy's desire to perform an exorcism at the school talent show again.

"I wished -- ah, but what nightmare does not begin with those words?"