Perils Of Names

Dealing with the public is it’s own special kind of hell even at the best of times. There is a sign up in our break room about how customer service is the fastest way to lose your faith in humanity. The boy comes into the office alone, which is odd enough. Brenda, who dealt with the screaming ex-politician wanting his forms expedited not ten minutes ago, freezes, says she has to get her break and bolts toward the back room.

And locks the door.

The boy comes to the counter, and his grin is like nothing else. There is no fear, no worry, nothing except innocent joy. Even babies don’t smile like this.

“Hello. How can we help you today?” I say in my best professional tone.

“Hi! My name is Jay,” the boy throws out. “And I’m doing a helping I bet you can help me with!”

“Ah. And your nlast name, Jay?”

“I don’t have one of those cuz Honcho isn’t allowed and jaysome isn’t allowed as a last name because it set off lots of alarms last time,” he says, and pouts.

“Alarms?” I ask, trying to sound calm.

“Sometimes they go off a lot,” he says with a huge sigh.

“Terrorists set those off,” I say, and my voice is funny even to my ears.

“Jaysome is a hugey nope to being a terrorist cuz jaysome can be a middle name but one that isn’t a missile name because jaysome is a hugging name so that’s not like being a missile at all!”

“I have no idea what you just said.”

“I said words though. I did use words, right? Once I forgot and just used sounds for an hour, and I’m speaking English right now so they’re English words. Do you want me to use another language?” And he looks worried. For me.

“No. I. Uh. How can I help you?”

“I found out that @feverfewm doesn’t have a middle name you know!”

I shake my head. It’s a tumblr user name. He spoke it, and I just – know that. Like I know he’s eleven. I have no idea what is going on anymore. “I didn’t.”

“And I thought I could help them get jaysome as their middle name and you do name changes and everything!”

“We mostly register cars. That’s not the same as people.”

“I know that,” Jay says indignantly. “I found that out last time.”

“Oh. Well, getting a new middle name is just downloading files, filling them in, sending them off. If this, ah, person comes in here, we can do it in person?”

“I could get them, but they are hours and hours ahead of us and might be confusled. Or even sleeping! Which I bet is being confusled too because! I’ve been told about lots of dreams that are really confusing.”

I print off the forms, hand them over. Jay grins. I have no idea what is going on, but the grin makes everything feel right when it isn’t. I’ve never been scared of kindness before. I think you could do anything with a grin like that.

And then he’s gone. Between moments, as if he vanished into thin air.

“Don’t.” It’s Brenda, behind me, her voice hoarse.

“Brenda?”

“If you look up jaysome, the entire system is shut down and several very important and scary people show up from agencies we don’t know about. They will ask questions. He didn’t hug you, did he?”

“No. I think he’s convinced middle names are missile names. Which makes no sense. At all.”

“Not much does when Jay...” Brenda trails off. “I wasn’t brave enough to see him again. Sometimes heaven can be it’s own kind of hell as well.”

And I don’t understand. Not yet.

I hope I never will.