Facebook status updates part XXX (Dec 2014)

Proposed Urban Fantasy Novel:

"Vampires On Benefits!

Sucking the state dry while they suck your blood too!”

“You can tell the Secret Service to stand down.”

“Mr. President? But you said –.”

“When my daughter said she had been hijacked, she meant a post she made on tumblr was hijacked.”
“Sir, I don’t know what that means.”

“It means you stand down.
“Yes, sir.”

"I told the would-be mugger that I had pictures of my grandchildren," Edna said. "I don’t think threatening to show him all of them makes me a terrorist."

"It would be easier if the world had monsters in it that warranted the fear we have of them."

“You misunderstood my poem,” the poet said.

“My theory was entirely sound,” the critic snarled.

“No, no. No one understood it. There was a typo in it.”

"You don't believe in ghosts even after making your fair share if them?"

"All the more reason to not believe."

Dear Santa:

Jane says you only give gifts that can be made in China. I hopes she's wrong. This year, could Daddy not yell at Mommy quite as loudly next year? I don't like it when Mommy cries.

- Tommy.

"There are six numbers that no autodialling service in the world can ever find. For the right price, I can make yours number seven."

Dear Santa:

I’m not sure if I liked you better when I thought you were Jesus.

- Ed.

This space intentionally left almost blank.

If only I had been real. Imagine what we could have been then, you and I.

Being subjected to discrimination does not automatically make you on the side of justice.

I pretended we were real, just to see if you'd notice.

You did.

I expected a Christmas card this year, not the restraining order.

(Not again.)

I have found nothing on the internet linking antibiotics with the antichrist.

Conspiracy nuts, I am rather disappointed in you.

He judged the worth of his love poem by how much of it he deleted.

“You are the only conspiracy theory I need.”

A horror story where everyone in the world dies due to no one reading the terms and conditions of a product.

"It isn’t over. Not until the fat lady sings and her dying notes are captured on a YouTube video that gets over a million likes and not a single comment tearing her down for any reason."

"Huh. Interesting way to stop the world from ending."

"I thought so."

“If I don’t make it back –.”

“Tell your family you loved them, sir?”

“Oh, no. They’ll know that given how far into enemy lines I am going.”

“Sir, it is only six days until Christmas. The madness is not yet at fever pitch.”

“But the crowds. The vehicles.”

“Just so, sir.”

“If I don’t make it back, tell my family I wish – I wish I had loved them a little less.”

Part of me thinks that, between network buggery and focus group BS it's amazing any TV show succeeds at all.

I am considering patenting the Poutine Diet.

Everything we are, m’ dear,

is only a plagiarism of much older stories.

I have yet to watch any of Agents of SHIELD, but I think it would be funny if they made it canon that the cost of SHIELD was why the government could never balance their budget.

Dear Santa:

This year could Mommy and Daddy wait until Boxing Day to fight?

- Love, Kim

"Be with me. Be my love, the only star I see in the sky, the sun to my shade, the wind to my apple tree, the mountain to my climbing, the song to my singing. Be the dance to my danger, the loved to my loving, the restaurant meal to my fast food, the dreamer to my dreaming. Be my everything to my nothing, the hope to my despair. Or I will sic my lawyers on you."

I have a theory that Jesus hasn't returned yet because the duty free allowances in Heaven are really strict.

You keep asking what I want for Christmas and that we are here and you are asking me is more than everything I ever wished for.

This post is a gift.

If you are in a hurry to unwrap gifts, please make sure they don't meow or bark beforehand.

Items I gave relatives for Christmas (a partial list)

Silver Suit (Christmas Vacation, baby)

Onesie

Lump of Coal

Toilet Paper (single roll)

Box of Nothing

It was hard to leave. The pay, the perks. The bonuses every year without fail. The free room and board, the meals the bosses wife made us – but you had to be an elf. They wouldn’t let you be a dwarf. Maybe it’s changed since then, but I doubt it.

"I keep forgetting you can’t read my mind. I love you, too."

It would be fun if someone did an in-depth study on how children raised by child psychologists turn out.

Jeff's superpower of being able to instantly know the weight of anything he touched proved useful in the kitchen but far less so on dates.

My Year On Facebook:

I posted things.

I used to be scared of you until I died. You are so easy to haunt.

It’s not that god is missing. Rather, one should say, hiding in shame that this poor universe was the best that god could make. We are proof it was a failure. Well, us and the platypus.”

“I know you held love out to me, but I am holding out hope and that is a deeper sacrifice by far.”

“But I don't want to hurt you,” I lied.

“We are running out of secrets to share together, satisfying ourselves with bedroom whispers, bruised kisses and hunger for a world that is more than dreams. All we have left are the kinds that wound: I wantr to tell you there are no fairy tales, your eyes tell me you wish I had another’s face.”

"I used to be a poet." She didn’t touch the lit cigarette in the ashtray.

"And then what happened?"

"I suppose you could say I grew up. Yeah, you can put that down."

"Is that the reason?" the interviewer pressed.

"I don’t know. I don’t know anymore."

She stared at the cigarette and said nothing more at all.

"I can't write your story. I can't even write my own."

The author set down their pen and put each blank page of the unwritten story into the shredder.

“It’s like when you go to open a game on your phone. Not any game, but one you’d put real money into, invested your time and energy and then suddenly it no longer works. It’s just like that, what we had between us. You are an app that no longer works and I don’t know why.”

Morality clung to him like an illness he could not shake.