Friday, June 01, 2012

facebook & google+ status updates part XII (June 1, 2012)


The first time the four horsemen had a poker night, it unleashed the black plague. The last time, four celebrities spouted pseudoscience and endorsed products.

"The serial killers are working in tandem," the Detective said. "Six cities, six people killed at the same time in what can only be described as synchronized murder. We think they're failed Olympic hopefuls."

"Free Ipad3 for every hundred animals kills!"
- A proposed campaign against having too many domesticated animals. Unfunded.

In a world devoid of kindness and hope, where mercy and compassion were outlawed and justice no longer a concept, one power remains to the people: "Charge it."

The aliens assumed we'd begun to colonize our solar system when they saw signs in store fronts reading: 'Space For Lease.'

"There is no law saying we have to make money." The manager smiled. "Let's see the competition beat this price."

The compassion of the wealthy is dependant upon how many of their social circle they can shame with their false halos.

The world is too full of empty promises.

Today's Fun Fact: if you eat enough McDonald's, zombies won't infect you.

"I'm sorry, but God isn't going to return: you're confusing Him with the Great Pumpkin."

For sale: almost new car. Airbag works!

The aliens determined that earth was too boring to allow to exist shortly after watching golf on TV.

The present is always more beautiful than the future.

Cake chart: a pie chart with more information.

The sphinx smiled. "Who were you before you were?"
"You."
Stone eyes narrowed. "And who I was I?"
"Me."
At which point the sphinx ate the questioner for being too clever by half.

Between the idea and the execution lies the internet, a modern siren whispering sweet, sweet distractions.

Dentist, n.: An ex-tooth fairy.

A single streetlight never turns green, vehicles slowly backing up to freeze the entire city.

She no longer gets haircuts after her hair began to cry each time it was cut.

News just in: Mideast peace talks stalled as midwest feel their voices are not being heard.

Paintings on an office wall: all places you've been to, each as deserted as once they were full.

A PA system that only broadcasts the most private of thoughts.

Tongue Depressor: a mother-in-law's criticisms.

Two scoops of brains in Kellog's Cannibal Bran!

In this respect religions are like quantum mechanics: if they don't scare you, you haven't understood.

There never was a first date
"Wow, that looks Greek to me," he says with a laugh, glancing at her book.
She pauses, doesn't look up. "That's because it is."

"I'm sorry," he said, almost gentle. "There is no rivalry between us. There never has been. I don't hate you. There is nothing in you worthy of hating."

Smite(tm): the favourite iphone app of deities everywhere! Buy now and get free trial run of 'try being an atheist now! One curse fits all annoyances.'

For Sale: One soul. Never used.

"How many people do you have to kill before being branded a serial killer?"
"What?"
"It's just that this is the fourth bird our cat has killed in one week."

RPG idea of the evening: Anime-style mecha game with a twist. MechaCthulhu.

"We found two red socks at the scene of this crime as well," the Detective said to the press. ""I believe the perpetrators are trying to hide the evidence of their crimes using clues."

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