Report

“We sunk five billion dollars into Project C.A.R.E. Contain And Reduce Enemies: that was the mandate and that was our goal. I personally figured we should just spend the money on an MK-Ultra mind control satellite and alter foreign policies that terrorism becomes the only sane response to, but I was voted down. It’s an election year. Our goal was to weaponize hope, crudely speaking, but that was about as unsuccessful as the attempts at building love bombs.

“So we did various polls and children the world-over have an affinity for stuffed animals. Make it anthropomorphic and one has a guaranteed sale of a product. We determined that this would be method of delivery for the weapon, akin to a trojan horse. Slip children’s toys across enemy lines, activate them and the enemy is pacified. Turn an enemy into your friend and he is no longer your enemy. Put simply, sirs, one cannot hate what one understands.

“The weapon itself was a modified laser fired into the pleasure receptors of the brain coupled with a virus that overwrote certain areas of the brain while the subject was under a wash of edorphins. we modelled the stuffed animals after bears and Henson called it a ‘care bear stare’ and the name sort of stuck. The capacity to hate is removed by the weapon, but a side effect is removal of certain creative impulses. Which would not be a deal-breaker except that the weapon also renders the subjects impotent. 

  “We discovered that little wrinkle when Li decided to zap her husband to get him to be a better father. In light of this, the committee does not believe Project C.A.R.E. is a viable weapon in the war against foreign bodies, though the capacity to rewrite portions of the human brain will doubtless have other uses in the coming decades, particularly once we introduce the personal computer. It is my belief that the project should be scrapped.

“If sirs wish, we may also turn it into a children’s tv show in order to foster public support for any future implimentations of Project C.A.R.E. we may decide we require in the coming decades. We apologize for the failure and await the judgment of the Agency.”